Bella "The Opium"

As it’s said, a lot can happen over a cup of Coffee. With me, that lot is a lot of thinking, not certainly Introspection, but inspection of the surrounding, the People and the behaviour Of course. Aha, no no ..Don’t get me wrong!! I am not a Psychologist, I just enjoy challenging the conventional way of thinking, living and cursing.

Yes cursing that’s absolutely where I want to focus in this blog! Although I am writing after a considerably long time and the first Post of the year should be something more cheerful, I still feel that the experiences of the Past year should be reviewed and a lot of rework is much needed.

Just a few days ago , Someone told me , Make your Life Simple , ….I so wanted him to direct to the Introduction of my Blog , which says I am complex and I am a diehard fan of Ayn Rand( that justifies why I am complex).

Yep, so coming back to cursing, that emotional abuse which can really tear you apart from all angles and corners; I know it sounds shady but I have had a very close experience of this EA. It boggles my mind how I do blunders which nobody does, How I cross people who are absolutely so selfish that they never see your sacrifice; ok! Not sacrifice, but whatever you did for them.

And so after so many years of People watching , I am still clueless about the Human behaviour and My behaviour ( considering someone said I am an evil Witch) :P ( and the twilight girl -BELLA) :P

For your Friendship

I'm sorry that I've been

so caught up with other things
in my life lately

that I've not stayed in touch.

I know that I haven't been

considerate enough,

and I hope it doesn't seem like

I've taken your friendship

for granted.

I hope you know that

I truly appreciate you

and value our friendship.

And I thank you for all

that you've given me............

The Lady on the other side.........

While standing alone in the balcony of my house, I felt a rush of silence grabbing me in its darkness. Suddenly, the noises all around converged into a single sensation and forced me to rethink of my decision of choosing him as the best man of my life. I thought little of the past, and remembered, how someday I was the most important part of his life, or maybe I used to think so. My eyes were full of tears and my heart was flooded with an unusual pain and trouble. I did not know whether I would ever speak to him or not, or if I spoke to him, what will I talk about. He already lost his pristine image in my eyes but still his image followed me sometimes in moments of life……….

For a few seconds, a thought transfixed me. I was compelled to challenge the dilemma between my mind and my heart. For a moment, I was all away, far away from the worldly matters. What is true love? Or does something like that exist in this world, Is it a fiction, or a myth. I was under a situation of dissonance and loss.

My belief was that the strongest bond between two people is Friendship, A strange shield which covers them from the hay and storm of the outside world. But, with the recent incidences and events, my-self proclamation of understanding people was failing. I am still seeking answers to the purpose of love, how selfless it is. For now, it is just directing me to a deep Isolation of thoughts.

Ujjawal 

09/10/12

PARADISE!!!!

It is an unimaginable thought in our mind to leave our home, and go away from our lovely mother when we are born. We were kids, we grew, and we learnt to eventually move out of those four walls of our home to see more, we broke the shell, and landed up at places where we are. Today while sitting in the office and reading something anonymous this word reminded me of the days when I was in first year and I used to save my home phone number as Paradise. Sitting miles away from home, I sometimes feel that it is the only place where I need not be pretentious or smart. I can lie calm in my bed and feel the warmth of the old years.

What was it all? What was it that a Doll was all that I wanted, and now even articles of worth don’t charm me? I wonder sometimes, if there would have been a choice, for growing. What was it that winning a spoon race was good enough to fill me with a sense of achievement and now buying diamonds doesn’t bring that original smile? It is not a monologue but a thought which just surpassed my mind. Is it the burden of expectation, or is it the loss of vision that is expanding its darkness in the young generation today.

None of the lines above means that the world is going down, or people are not happy, it just means that now, we get across with a lot of mood swings, unlimited thinking and instability in mind. It becomes hard to sleep now, while when I was a kid, sleep was as oblivion as closing an eye. There were no words in my dictionary like enemy, jealousy and struggle, while there was a pool of natural happiness.

If given a chance, I would want to live in my childhood only. That is where, I am learning, learning to fly, learning to conquer, and learning to win. But then I think, that what all these years have given me, is it a no learning, no growing zone or is it an important part of my life. Do people expect more or do I think a lot?

After spending, experiencing and learning from innumerous instances in life, I still stay firm and say that, no one can demand on you, until and unless you don’t give them the rights to ruin you. Within these growing years , more and more people gathered around me , with their demands and expectations , but who stayed as natural as ever was my mother , who stays in that paradise , she makes it a home , a place where I still find peace .

There she stays , to whom I can go crying , lay in her hugging arms , can creep anyway , and still what I get in return is love . She makes me more confident, stronger and brighter, because at all times she reminds me that I am a part of her.

I truly love “Paradise” & “The Angel”.

@Ujjawal , While sitting in the office :) 

FEAR

What is Fear? How do we define it? Is it something embedded in us overtime or is it something that always stayed within? When I look back to my childhood, it reminds me of memories and instances which made me what I am now. Unlike most of the children in society, I was the daring one, and I love my parents for the fact that they never stopped me from taking risks, which eventually made me stronger and less vulnerable to depression and sadness. This was something which took away many fears from my life, fear of falling from a tree, fear of dying in an accident or fear of making my mother unhappy. I developed the habit of demanding straight and putting forward my thought of life. Doing all this was making me more and clearer about what I want in my life. Throughout these years, I learnt many things, but the best thing that I could sustain was Self Love. Although it seems, very selfish and mean, and portrays an image of a girl with lots of attitude, but this is one thing which helped me to stand in the days of instability.



By Self love I certainly don’t mean that I don’t love people around me –I really do , but with values in me ever since my growing days , I learn that I cannot provide a long term happiness to anyone around me , until and unless I am not sure of it. I don’t believe in creating momentarily happiness and this is something I love about myself.


I can very well say that, by now, the reader has very clearly made an image of someone who is a narcissist or who loves to flaunt about her, and I don’t disagree to it.


People say “Life is like a flowing river, and you shall flow in the directions it takes you to”. Some others read the tarot cards and talk about what is destined in their life. But my beliefs are different; I strongly feel that a person can guide his or her own life by his own experiences. In this way, he may take a few wrong decisions, but he will certainly not believe to be driven by someone else.


Like every other emotion in humans, Fear is a part of life and acknowledging it would certainly show us some direction to overcome it, but my only food for thought is can we give up our lives for the sake of fear, for the sake of society, or for that matter for the sake of others? Should we stop caring about our wishes and sacrifice to make others happy? I hope the reader and my experiences on the ongoing journey of life would fetch some reasonable answers to my questions.


Thank you for reading the anonymous blog.


Ujjawal @food for thought

Hope in the hopeless ...........

Do not lose hope in the hopeless

Do not lose faith in yourself

Do not let others control your life

Do not go, from where you cannot come back

Do not resist your mind to follow your heart

Do not make happiness a past

Do not be the victim of compromise

Do not kill yourself for sacrifice

when u look back , see some rays

there is a path, there are many ways

It isn't a story, it isn't an end

don't push yourself, don't be sad

You are not a character, certainly not a part

Believe in living, shun the darkness

Stand up for yourself and be the one ……………not the follower but the leader!!!

Ujjawal

15/05/2012

The Man I Knew!!! :)

The smile across his face and eyes

Defines the brightness of his soul
Envisage the success of his goal

Assuring him , it's not a dream
His cheeks hurt , in joy , he scream

Known in World as silent and kind
Has now attained some peace in mind

Praised and liked for his lovely nature
Beware O gals ! he is a crazy creature

Who is he? The Man i knew
Dark as night and Damp as dew


Ujjawal
09/05/2012

Escaped to be Trapped Again :-/

Before the dawn in the deadly hour

My soul just says I have no Power

The Pain spins from heart to head

and for a moment it says I am dead

And when the sun rises, it reminds me of you

the emptiness tinkles and my mind goes off

The Promise I made will stay forever

May remind to you sometimes or never

Happiness now seems unattainable and distant

the name in my palm is getting faint

Love is now an unknown word

Feels like it was never heard.................................

Ujjawal @destruction at its best  30/04/2012

Salvation!!!

I have moved into salvation

Telling you devil its not pretention

Wanting you is yet my wish

call me nuts or call selfish

its neither a fact nor contract

a mere attempt , a happiness pact

letting you free was though tough

Sky is bare and breeze is rough

There is no pain that cant heal

keeping the hope is another deal

Its sounds like a joke and has some pun.

Finally i moved into salvation. ;) ;)


Ujjawal
07/05/2012

A Walk to Remember!!

The path of life , show all the seasons

Sometimes its nice sometimes demand reasons

Its filled with surprises , never expected

Some frozen thoughts , some people attracted

It makes me think not once but twice

Is every decision great and wise?

And sometimes i say just let it break

together it all will make a trek

I am walking in the path , i never thought of walking

I am living a life , which was not even a dream before

People who were important previously ,are not even mere shadows

But who didnt exist yesterday , are inseperable now

When I look back , every experience seems worth

As it has mould me into , a person i am now

The walk of life is bright and hopeful

With all love and Aspirations , to a better tommorow :)

By: Ujjawal

19/04/2012

You are the devil , i am an angel

You have an illusion , of having no pretentions , no apprehensions

But remember the Devil , There is always an end to assumptions

My pen is writing the bitter truth of your lie

and now it will not stop until i die

You are the reason for my traumatic condition

An end to your answers , and end to my question!!

You Created a Mirage all around my world

But I grew up and broke it , Ohhh Devil 

I pity on you and your fakeness is broken

The girl is grown up and not playing with the love token

I was trapped in the Unknown web of spider

I was paralysed and no long a rider

Dont you dare read this and say I am a Pessimist

I have known it all , and i am not a Saddist

Your Memories will fade like colour in sun 

And Someone will bring again some more fun

I say it , to hurt you , to get you to the pain

So that your devilness shall wash away in rain

I assumed you to be my dream , my wish , my lover

Though you were in reality the Silent Killer

Hey Devil ,I will ,Yes I will Break your Vicious Circle

Just to make you see me dancing with some one else IN PURPLE.

You are the One!!!

The reason of my death

the destructor of my fate

I thought you are my pride

left with nothing by my side

Lately I made a wrong choice

and today i have a sad voice

the stains of my blood will remain

and will let you cry in vain

you made me cry , u made me sad

I wish i was happy with what i always had

I cant decide i cant defend

Now I am so weak , I cant even Pretend

I will live , i will fight and will stand again

But you , will have to pay for this disdain!!!

@Ujjawal 

Destruction @its peak !

The Loose Love

Writing on 5th January 2012 , at 5:00 am 
It is unbelievable and unimaginable to think that this date brought a lot to my life , alot of realization and a lot of pain too . Going back to 5th January 2010 , when i met the best person in my life who is today the worst person i have ever known. I never want to disclose you , what you have done , or what you will do to disturb my life , but yes today finally i can say that : I was wrong at my Choice.
I had never thought that my choice would be so wrong that i will have to cry for it , but yes I am and I will be regretting it forever . I don't know why i wasted 2 beautiful years of my life in efforts to know you , love you or to be with you .
Damn !!!!!!!!!!
It is so that today i can say that i loved a person who was not worth it and yea i hate myself for it , but also thanks to god , I have good enough people in my life who can value me and help me in standing back in the time when i am devastated.
Damn Guy !! I thought of destroying myself because of you , but today after talking to you hopefully for the last time , i realised my value , I know its too too late , but its okay , i will try to cover up for the pain i gave to myself.
Nothing more to it , and i wish to forget u forever by the next 5th january 
A SAD DAY

@Destruction :(
@Ujjawal ( Rarely in a pathetic mood) @ 5 am 5jan 2012 ( i will remember this always)

Writing her own Script .........unending !

I find myself in a very special position that I am sure many of you would be envious of. Do you ever imagine having the super power of invisibility so you could eavesdrop on conversations others have about you?

Every morning, I look up at the sky, wondering if I’ll catch a glimpse of kindness there, but I don’t. The indifference of the still water in the pond, and the bareness of the sky need not reflect the indifference of people. I don’t want to look up to any unkind sky or any unfriendly person, searching for it to vouch for my readiness, my attitude and my honesty.  But every time I say this to myself, also I need to reassure about the self-confidence I have in my opinions and the unbiasness in them. I think and rethink about my perseverance of things before penning them down on a sheet of paper , because these are my thoughts which are engraved in me and I don’t want anyone to change himself/herself based on my views.

Someone said “Being Grateful is at the core of being educated”.

But what I see everywhere, is sore and ungrateful odd people, who have been grossly overeducated. I am trying to find whether this is my perception towards the world, or probably towards many of the people or is it that the World is changing.

I have been doing things that I like and I really don’t focus much about what other think about it but still that sometimes I don’t understand why so many people have to talk about so many others, when they are not yet self -aware.  How can someone be so very interested in someone else? This is my world and nobody has got a right to modify and manipulate it their way.

I am happy that all my writings come from my own experience, and hence if I have a strong opinion based on that, which you cannot certainly change it, because you know where it is coming from.

So, when looking at the future what do you see?  I would see a graceful educated women, sensible, caring and above all Grateful :) :)

The Venom Kiss

While I was watching “Rockstar” , suddenly a statement spoken by ranbir , tickled my mind for two minutes , rather more .:) , and guess wot was the statement :P “Chalo Kiss karte hai” and immediately I was head stuck , because it reminded me of you .

Yea , the day, I met you at the terrace of my house , and you asked me how much I weigh. Although In my mind you were super decent guy , and till that moment super unromantic also . But that day , you gave a little hint , that you are also sensitive, uhmm J ,well and then the romantic story started with passion and zeal for , :P :P KISSES.

It was a crazy experience to look for you , gaze you , rip you , with looks that were obsessed and wild for being with you .Wanting you like anything , and not letting you go for hours , was the ultimate goal of that time .Snatching and hiding you from the whole world was like a winning trophy. Riding the bike, having you at the back seat, and enjoying by your side in your sophisticated car drives, that time was certainly different. We didn't even left the coaching stairs, at 9 o clock, not morning, 9 PM ;) , just checking if the guard is not there. And saying: chalo kiss kartei hai ;)

Cannot say that those were the best days of my life, as life is still going on, but yes the craziest days for sure, lived life to its fullest with you, enjoyed, loved, killed and lived. Those days were so crazy that they actually made me crazy (its not rhythmic and difficult to comprehend also). Spent most of the time in making the best of you and worst of me . And what after that ….huhh ……:P that is not the prime topic now ;) 

That was the Venom Kiss .................destructive thoughts @their best :)

The Tale of Two cities

City .............................................................................................................and the other city 
They both are good ,they both are settled , successful and all other magnificant words are poured at them by many people now and then.then Y D SELF SEARCH IS STILL ON???????????


November 26/11/09
While we were driving back from the bridge , in the cold chilly night of November ,engrossed in our dreamy world ,he told me about the confusion he is living with regarding his dilemma for the decisions and priorities in life.
Madly in love with him , I gave a whole analysis and observation of what he should do .
The only couple in the town living with the promise of "No pretentions and no apprehensions" , was very happy in their life . With in numerous thoughts and dreams pertaining to our near future , slowly we started to dissolve the in dependency and became complementary of each other.
We were young , dynamic and innovative , both used to enjoy being with each other and people envy at our happiness.The time moved and slowly the day came when I had to control all the tears , pain and the fear of losing him in  heart , and wished him a very happy Journey and a bright future. 
Soon he realised that he is very lonely and sad without me and asked me to come and meet him  in the new city anyhow . After making all the manipulations and getting a hold of the situation , I reached the desired destination and after meeting him , I was very sure that they are made to be kept intact forever.
But, the happiness didnt lasted long and I had to come back  home , because of  studies , which led to another phase of loneliness.
It is always said that "Good things are rare" and the same happened with both of us , trying every if and but to try to be nice , slowly things went bad and we started losing the threads on our life ....................

Today , things have changed completely , With many reasons , unsaid , unclarified and undone ..........Me and him don't even recognise each other..........there is a distance in the time and the heart.The two cities made our life miserable. 
Every  night I see the moon , i ask why..............................i wasted a lot of time and  the self search startes all over again.


Ujjawal 31/10/11

First impression!!

Ohh yea yea ...........how can I forget that, your first impression was definitely far more or I should say, completely different to what you are!! I had to remember this “The disaster day” of mah life. It was just another day for me in the institute and I was all flawlessly moving around it, as always in love with myself. I entered the classroom, with a bottle of water, and here he comes, lollzzz the shy guy “as per me” or Mr. Decent, as I really thought so, asking me for a sip of water, and I never deny.

With his geeky intelligent looks, he smiled and said a thanks a lot, to me, and as usual I said! OHH it’s just fine!!!!!!! And as expected, you turned to me and started pouring small questions ....I think I know you, r u from GEC...okkk yeah I am new here ,and I dnt know I am still feeling that I know you ...anywayzzz ok ............thanks again, I was really thirsty. And in the meantime, we almost forgot that we were there for a test. Now it’s my turn, and I asked you for a pencil, which you readily gave, as u had a pile of pencils and pens ,adding alot to your geekness .Ok ,anywayzzz we finished up the test soon ,but you took a whole leap of the year ,the whole time ,which was anyway taking my attention again and again back to me as what the hell is he solving !!!!....hmmm hmmm and the time was over! And you had to come out of your dreamy world!!!

Again you turned back and asked cheerfully (I dnt knwww wat were you pretending) how was your test...and I replied very casually...it was just fine ...how about you (and this one was killing) You said yurs was Ok, with another statement saying you got 97 correct!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh wat the hell is that (immediately hitted mah mind! Big time nerd, but impressive)!! I started moving out of the room ,and i know you were definitely following me only , you quickly asked my name and my college and i replied with “I know your name” common I am very smart ...and you grew anxious ..Hey! How do you know that .........and i smiled childishly sayin ......he he dnt worry, I just read it on Ur Id card.......and still you are following me ,and the moment i said .....okk i am leaving now ....and yes you still had something to say.............hmm hmm hmm u said ...okk anywayz tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY J ........see you .....and there i thought Oh my god! What a flirt J (he he later I knew it was actually your birthday).....and that was you !!!

Although it was different from what you are actually , but that incidence is always going to be there in mah mind ....reminding which i get a big smile.

It’s the world of Pain

Life moves, things happen,

You believe some, you forget some, you relate some, and you neglect some, and at times you get avoided or refrained by people you love,

humans are deprived of emotional attachments and they tend to get attached to many thing that comes their way.

I would have appreciated my life, if I were a robot with no emotions and a mind and a heart which keeps on playing over my mind. You cry, you love, you sacrifice for other people and yet at last, what you get is pain.

I am yet to evolve the human psychology or may be human emotion logy for my good. How someone just grows so secluded, as if he never knew you, is what I am unable to understand even after being called mature by so many people.

Hence in the world of science, now it has become imperative to come over all that has passed and inevitably “I need to grow Strong “because god is not helping anymore.

Ujjawal 21/8/11

Once!!!!!!!

Once it was the love in heart
now it is a pain in heart

Once it was a proudest affair
now it is a sudden despair

Once i was in love's Air
now i am soaked up in tears

Once it was a relation of trust
Now it is a anger burst

Once it was a time of US
Now it is compelled to be me .

.........................now it is just once upon a time

Ujjawal
26/03/2011

Education ,WHAT IT IS ??????

Education in life should impart an AIM ,which could bring out eminent essense for world and society .
Education cannot be defined even using thousand words as it is a training by which the current and expression of will are brought under control and become fruitful.It is about the ideas which you have grabbed and poured into your life rather than crammimg a WORLD OF BOOKS.


Ujjawal 11/02/2011